Now I've got a new secure handle on the door with a fucking gaping hole underneath until I go get some wood putty and patch it up, and then repaint the door.
Nothing in this house is standard!
And I am a bad do-it-yourself because I start swearing and throwing things after a mere 5 minutes of frustration. And now we're too broke to hire professionals to do this shit for us.
But it's our house goddammit, ours!